Loving Our Kids: Taking What We Want Out of the Equation as They Grow by Anne Leedom
I am going to admit something that is not something I am terribly proud of. I used to get my feelings hurt quite a lot as my kids grew up. My oldest daughter was 10 years old (almost 10 and ½ as she would say) and she just started getting bugged with Mommy’s never-ending hugs and kisses. Oh, I think she still liked it when I make a fuss over her and all, but there was a major shift occurring in how she wanted me to relate to her.
I was confronted with the ultimate parenting challenge… loving your kids in the way THEY need to loved, rather than the way I wanted to give it.
When my two babies were young I knew exactly what they needed to feel loved. My endless patience, time and attention…. they needed to be held, played with and attended to throughout the day. It was exhausting, but it was very clear. My kids felt loved and secure.
The years passed, and it was still a bit exhausting (ok…a LOT)…answering four thousand questions, listening to yet another version of who did what to whom, or what the latest and greatest episode of Hannah Montana was all about. The rules were still very clearly spelled out…spend authentic time with your kids and they will feel loved and supported.
Ah…..but then the pre-teen years lurked in the distance and the rules changed faster. I wasn’t sure I could keep up. They still needed to be fed and clothed, but I had a lot less input into making that happen everyday. They made good choices, and it was time to give them some space so they would learn to take care of themselves.
They still loved to play games and go on outings, but that will also become less of a factor as they continue to forge friendships that will soon rule their life. Thankfully, there was no end in sight to the countless questions and stories they wanted to hear and recount. Some shred of Mommy-hood remained.
However, I was left with a haunting, almost terrifying thought…when all of my tasks and the majority of my time are no longer focused on these wonderful and predictable ways to love my kids, how will they know everyday how much I treasure them and cherish them?
The teenage years were clearly going to be about something very different than the early childhood years. They would be about standing back, a little more each day, more and more as the years went by.
We want to raise independent, confident and happy adults. They need space and a certain amount of freedom to internalize and reconcile how they want the world to be, with the reality of how it works for them. It will not be seen in the same way I would see it and that is the true mystery and in truth, the real joy of parenting.
They are separate and unique beings. In the same way I was thrilled to see everything new from their eyes when they were young, now I will need to be equally happy with the amazing view of the world they will create as adults…even though it will not necessarily match my own.
I began to learn more about myself and my kids as the coming months and years revealed themselves before me, however, I still had a great formula for moving into this frightening menagerie of the unknown. It all came down to this…giving my kids the proper combination of space and boundaries, along with my continued attention and support.
How will I know if I am going about it the right way?
I will continue to do what I have always done…the one thing that truly makes my kids feel loved. I will take my cues from them. In truly listening to my kids, watching their behavior and attitudes, I have the greatest indicator at my disposal that I am making the difference in their lives that I want to make.
When they know that I hear them and trust them, that they have earned that trust and that I am responding to their internal compass and reinforcing their strengths, they will feel loved…even when they are living far from home.
Far is now a few miles. It will be more one day possibly, but this trust and strength we created between us is the adult version of a hundred daily kisses. I can live with that. And a few stories daily still I hope…
Anne Leedom is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of www.parentingbookmark.com and www.leedompr.com. She has been quoted in national print including Parents, Redbook and Nick Jr. Magazines and NPR. She contributes regularly to online publications and lives in Northern California.