Understanding Your Child’s Behaviour By Lubomira Kourteva
One of the first things we need understand and be mindful of is that often times children, and actually most people in general, will set us up to feel how they feel. This is unintentional of course, and usually done unconsciously. So when we are faced with a child who is acting out in some way, the first thing to do is to turn the lens on ourself and ask, “How do I feel?”
This doesn’t imply that our child’s feelings are an extension of ours – or that how we feel is how they should or do feel. This approach is merely an attempt to put us in a space of more empathy, openness, self-reflection and acceptance, all of which then create the space in which our child may open up and share its own feelings and needs more comfortably.
Let’s go through a couple of examples.
Suppose your child starts acting really rebellious and refuses to share they feel.
How do you feel?
Perhaps you feel out of control. Perhaps you feel powerless, helpless, unheard, disrespected or incapable of doing anything. That’s probably how your child feels. Perhaps they feel like their needs are unmet and their coping mechanism is to act out. To approach this we need to create the environment that will support and meet their unmet needs, and allow for new feelings to arise.
Often times children, and all of us as adults, rebel because they are feeling restricted or limited in some way, or are in an environment that is just a bit too controlling, whether emotionally, intellectually or physically. It could be within the family unit, but it could also be in their school or friendship group.
When a child shows rebellion, this is usually a good sign because it shows that they have become aware that somewhere along the line, their boundaries have been crossed, whether it was their personal space, privacy, expression of self, freedom of voice or choice. It is important to help them deal with this because otherwise they may ignore this eventually and then grow up either becoming too controlling or too permissive when others mistreat them, suppress them or cross their boundaries in adulthood. It is important to help them feel safe to express their needs and feelings without fear, because they need to feel comfortable knowing that their needs matter, that their voice matters, and that boundaries are needed in this life.
So going back to our example – the remedy for feeling of out of control is to create more self-autonomy. In other words, to help our child in this situation, we can start by giving them a sense of more control, a sense of freedom, respect their boundaries, and give them the ability to make more choices in a non-judgmental environment.
If the child is of a younger age, we can do something simple such as giving them choice like: “Which glass would you like to drink your juice, the blue or the yellow one?” Give them plenty of choices, so that they can gain back their sense of control and individuality. Even if the choices may seem silly to us, it will make the child feel more empowered where their voice matters. This will also build the child’s self-esteem, self-confidence and self-trust because they will own their individuality and feel more acceptable for it.
Another thing to remember in this situation is that often times rebellious behaviours are labeled as “problematic”. And we need to be mindful of how we word things because we don’t want to label our child in such ways, as this will only bring them more shame and distance them further from us. It is important for us to try our best to stay by their side and show them that they can rely on us; that we will support them through anything and that we still love them. Once they see our understanding, they may feel more comfortable to open up to us and eventually let us know where the problem was.
In general, and that’s for all of us:
To remedy any feeling, we need to experience the opposite of it.
For example, if we struggle with feelings of distrust, which might have been rooted in some betrayal in our past or our childhood, we need to experience loyalty. If we struggle with feelings of abandonment, we need to experience stability and commitment.
Let’s look at another example.
Suppose our child is always running late, and that makes us late for work too.
How do you feel?
Well, perhaps you feel chaos. Perhaps you feel like you can’t rely on them you feel frustrated or even unheard. That’s probably how your child feels.
To remedy this situation, we can try to be more reliable, dependable and present in their life. We can use this as a self-reflection about how we show up in their life, how we are present and connected to them, and are we listening to their needs. Of course, if they are late only for one specific thing, like to school, perhaps there is something going on in school – but I am referring to general situations in which they show lateness regularly. And of course, this is only a starting point until they open up to us and express what they need and what the problem is.
Again, remember:
This doesn’t mean that your child’s emotions are an extension of your own – this only means you are trying to understand the feelings behind the behaviour in times when there is no communication nor understanding and find different strategies for how to create an improvement for that state of feeling, while acknowledging and validating how they are feeling. We often give to others what we want to receive, and not what they actually need. So these exercises helps us to turn the lens towards ourselves, and put us in someone else’s shoes.
Once we understand their feelings and provide an environment which deals with the feelings, making it safe and comfortable for them to open up to us again – then we need to listen to them, fully and completely and become very attentive and empathic to their feelings, without projecting our own, without our own judgments of how they should feel in a situation. We need to tune into their own inner world and see what would be best for them. This will then further give us an indication of the reasons for our child’s behaviour and we might understand what is going on in their school, friendships and life in general.
Holding Space for Children’s Feelings, and our Own.
To hold space for someone else’s feelings, we need to know how to feel our own feelings. We need to build the capacity within ourselves to honour the changes of feelings, to hold times of sadness and the sanctity of heart’s tears, to hold disappointment and failures. The only thing wrong with intense emotions is the associated guilt, shame and blame from feeling them.
Feelings are like water. They are pure, and neither bad nor good. Once we boil the water, and add some tea leaves, we get tea. The tea leaves are our thoughts, and the tea that becomes of them is our emotions. So if we add strawberry leaves, we’ll get strawberry tea. The way to feel our feelings is thus, to try not to attach thoughts to them but to only feel them – and let them flow through us like water. It is also to shift your attention and focus on where in the body we feel a feeling. How does sadness feel like? Where in my body do I feel it? Does my chest contract, does my stomach turn? Allow the feeling to flow, remaining present on the body.
Many years ago I came across a video, in which a father beautifully held space for his toddler’s feelings during one of her tantrums. In this video, the toddler was having a loud tantrum, crying, screaming, kicking and turning her back away from her father. During the entire time, the father remained calm, present, not reactive in any way, and not leaving her side – he just sat beside her. Yes, hard to do. Very hard to do. Our first instinctive reaction in these moments may be to raise our voice or just do something. It takes a lot of self-awareness and self-control to remain calm.
Eventually, the toddler settled into some peace, naturally stopped crying, turned around towards her father, who was still sitting there beside her, and she fell into his arms – where he embraced her tightly.
So why is that important?
To a child, emotions come suddenly and overwhelmingly. Extreme emotions that the child has no idea what they are, why they are, what to do, and how to do it. But – it is precisely in these moments that children form their subconscious beliefs about themselves, and life itself. If during these moments, when they are acting out, the parent stays by their side, in the same loving way as they did before, the child subconsciously learns that nothing in his world will be “lost” if they are going through, or feeling, something extreme. This also shows them that eventually all feelings, no matter how strong, will pass through them like water – and they will still be okay in their body. In other words: They are learning not to fear their emotions. They learn that it is safe to feel as they feel, and they will not be judged or abandoned. They learn that it is okay to feel as they feel, and there is no need to suppress anything. This makes them more capable as adults to navigate through their emotions, manage them and deal with them – because they are more accepting of their own flows.
This is how we need to holds ourselves also. For all of us who are parents, it’s as if we are struggling non-stop with feelings of “Oh my God, I screwed up, I am not a good parent! I made so many mistakes today!” This is our opportunity to practice self-compassion – and be soothing and compassionate towards ourselves. We will always make mistakes, this doesn’t make us bad people nor bad parents. Times of conflict can be amazing opportunities for an inner deepening.
Feelings and Needs
And last but not least, here is a general guide between feelings and needs:
If you are feeling anxious, your unmet needs may be to have more safety, security and stability
If you are feeling resentful, your unmet needs may be to feel heard, understood and noticed
If you are feeling numb, your unmet needs may be to feel supported, safe and loved
If you are feeling overwhelmed, your unmet needs may be to have more space, support and relaxing “me-time”
If you are feeling disconnected, your unmet needs may be to feel more loved and prioritized
If you are feeling distrust, your unmet needs may be to experience more honesty, openness, communication and loyalty
If you are feeling stressed, your unmet needs may be to prioritize yourself and have more self-care
If you are feeling abandoned, your unmet needs may be to experience more commitment, security and stability
If you are feeling rebellious, your unmet needs may be to reclaim your control, personal space, voice and freedom
Whether you are reading this as a parent or a grown up child, it is important to remember compassion. Outside of their role as parents, our parents are only human. And they were children like us once too – with their own needs, inner worlds and challenges. They did the best they could for us with what they knew and were taught, so forgive them and hold compassion in your hearts and gestures towards them.
And if you are here as a parent, don’t be too hard on yourself – we all make mistakes, no one is perfect, and no family will ever be perfect. Remember that children are our teachers – so naturally, and purposefully, there will be misunderstandings, so that we ourselves become more self-aware. Often times, our own subconscious desires are expressed through our children. Perhaps as a child yourself, your own individuality wasn’t as accepted in your household or school environment, and you now have a very independent and individualistic child. This is an opportunity to reflect on yourself, rather than continue to suppress that side of you which was once not as lovingly held. Through embracing the moments of our children’s unique worlds, we are essentially embracing the wholeness that we are in our own unique physical, emotional and spiritual wild lands of our self.
Every day is a new day, a new opportunity, and we all do the best we can. Together, and with love, all will be okay.
Lubomira Kourteva is a Canadian author, poetess, humanitarian, and teacher of the Sacred Arts. She is founder of Art of Love, an initiative and publication devoted to deepening our connections, so that we lead more spiritually and emotionally fulfilling lives; by exploring the wisdom and secrets of our ancestors, and unveiling the beauty beyond the veil and within ourselves. She teaches and writes on relationships and intimacy, spirituality and empowerment, holistic wellness, and folklore. You can learn more about her at her official website, and browse through her services for one-on-one consultations.
Website: https://lubomirakourteva.com
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