Navigating Infertility As A Couple by Dr Clay Brigance

*TW Infertility*

Infertility is one of the few crises where two people can be hurting deeply—and still feel completely alone together. After our own infertility struggle, my wife and I found that we had to reestablish our romantic connection from the ground up. For many couples, this can be completely earth-shattering – in fact, 30% of couples separate due to the stress of infertility.

I am a couple therapist, researcher, author, and speaker, and my mission is to help couples stay connected through their infertility and grief journey. In my research of over 1000 couples navigating infertility, I have found one thing that can make or break couples while going through this incredibly unique pain:

Emotion processing.

 Couples don’t just struggle with infertility—they struggle with how differently they emotionally carry it. One person may feel hopeful, while the other feels like they are spiraling in fear and anxiety. However, one doesn’t have to override the other. When we communicate our grief, fear, hope, or sadness together, the most important thing we can do for our partner is just be there. 

This can be especially hard for men. 

Many men walk through infertility feeling like they have to be strong—but not knowing where that strength is supposed to go. They feel as if they are left out of the process – while their female partner goes through all of the treatments, they watch helplessly. Because of this, men feel like they have to “fix” their partner’s emotions. Many men just want to rescue their partner. Men often walk through infertility feeling like they have to be strong—but not knowing where that strength is supposed to go. So when their partner expresses despair, anxiety, or grief, men go into “fix it” mode.

It’s what I call Well-Intended Chivalry. Men push down their own emotions – their own grief and fear– in an attempt to rescue their partner from their emotions. But this just causes more disconnection. It makes their partner feel unheard and unseen. 

Communicating emotions during infertility is a lot like holding wet soap – the harder you try to “grab it” (i.e., fix it), the more you can’t really hold it. But if you just sit with it with validation and curiosity, we can actually hold the soap gently. 

This is where we can find true connection. 

Holding emotions gently together is hard, but not impossible. When I work with couples navigating infertility, I always encourage these tips:

1. Name the emotion before the reaction.
   Slow things down by putting words to what you’re feeling: “I’m overwhelmed,” or “I’m scared.” This reduces defensiveness and builds connection. For many men, naming emotions is what turns silent pressure into real presence. 

2. Share needs clearly—don’t expect mind-reading.
   Say what you need: “Just listen, don’t fix,” or “I need a little space.” Clear requests prevent missed signals and help couples feel like a team instead of unintentionally hurting each other. 

3. Respect different coping styles.
   One partner may express, the other may stay steady or solution-focused. Neither is wrong. Curiosity about these differences creates space for both partners to feel understood. 

4. Use The Emotional Needs Exercise.
   The Emotional Needs During Infertility exercise (completely free at www.drclaybrigance.com ) offers a simple five-question check-in that helps couples express feelings and needs without pressure or confusion. 

5. Choose presence over fixing.
   You don’t have to solve this. Simple responses like “I’m here” or “That makes sense” build safety—and that’s what keeps couples connected through infertility.

Infertility is hard enough – it doesn’t have to destroy your intimate relationship. 

Dr. Clay Brigance, PhD, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor and founder of Shiloh Counseling, a group practice specializing in couple therapy for infertility and reproductive grief. He is also the host of the podcast “Love and Infertility”. He has worked with over 1,000 individuals and couples navigating infertility and miscarriage and conducts research on interpersonal mindfulness and relational resilience under chronic reproductive stress. A nationally recognized speaker and trainer, Dr. Brigance integrates mindfulness in couple therapy, evidence-based couple therapy, and lived experience—drawing from his own journey through infertility—to help couples transform conflict and grief into deeper emotional connection. For more information visit: https://www.drclaybrigance.com/ and follow Dr. Brigance on Facebook at Shiloh Counseling LLC and on Instagram at @dr_claybrigance.