I Matter Too? by Sarah Turnball

After a particularly long night of trying to get both the toddler and baby to finally go to sleep, a usual bedtime of 7pm is closer to 9pm and we’re still going. I’m laid in bed trying to give myself chance to make sure they really are both asleep before I drift off incase I’m needed. I have a migraine, cold compress on my temple, strong painkillers taken, my body is aching from a long day, a longer night and no ‘downtime’ not even a chance to drink my one hot drink of the night hot and without a child to comfort. 

Scrolling through Instagram and I see an advert for some make up. ‘I remember when I used to wear this brand, I remember when I used to wear makeup, I remember when I used to have money to buy it, time to browse it, mental ability to suss out what colour I liked and what brand I was going to try next. It was all before I was a mum. And that sentence is twinged with a hint of sadness. I do not regret an ounce of my life with my babies, they are my entire world and I absolutely love that. Personally I am that type of mum. It’s what I’ve always wanted, I reveal in being mum, this truly is my dream job, my calling. It doesn’t mean it’s not hard work. 

I have a rather large collection of beautiful make up I used to wear daily, extra effort of a weekend as I had time and wasn’t doing my morning rushed routine before work. A big factor has been covid. I don’t go anywhere to need make up, but I have also gained a lot of self worth and confidence since having children that I don’t need make up to leave the house, but I still miss that part of what used to be my routine. 

I start thinking about other things I haven’t done in a long time that used to just be daily or ‘my routine’ before I was mum. Eyebrows threaded, manicures, lunch breaks at the shops, not really needing to buy anything particular but if I saw something I liked I had the money to buy it without having to budget or think it through. Did I really need another lipstick, I only have one mouth. No, but did I buy it anyway because I could. You bet I did.

Instead I’ve spent my afternoon frantically going from shop to shop, looking online desperately trying to find a replacement for my sons favourite toy that’s suddenly not working correctly, the toy he has to have with him for every nap, every bed time, every long car journey, every time he feels sad or unwell. Can I find one? No. Have I given myself a migraine panicking at how I explain to a 2 year old he can’t have it, I haven’t been able to fix this one, I don’t have an alternative you can fall asleep to. Oh how times have changed. 

When did self care become something we had to plan time for ourselves? When did we have to make a conscious effort to put ourselves first, getting swept up in the day to day mum we forget we’re human too. You wonder why as mum’s we aren’t all ‘fit as a fiddle’, we never eat and we never sit down. That right there is the answer. We don’t eat for us, we pick or grab what we can, when we can, if we can, we don’t have time for more. We pick food leftover from the kids, stuff something down quick in a 5 minute window or while we’re on the go. We forget to drink regularly, if at all, we don’t have time to pee and if we try we’re never alone. Did you watch that series on Netflix, I finished it at the weekend? Me? Oh yeah I got 3 minutes into episode 1 last year and I’m working on the other 45 minutes of episode 1 every day this month! 

I don’t remember hearing about the crippling mum guilt when I was pregnant either, the anxiety from what really are small hurdles feeling like mountains (favourite broken toys), panic, fear, exhaustion, not just from lack of sleep, emotional, physical, mental, spirituality. The shower that could become an Olympic sport for how fast we can do everything, dry and be out before someone needs us, or the ear that is listening over the sound of the running water, is that an actual cry or am I imagining it, is that cry going to be handled by dad or someone else, will that cry or tantrum hold long enough so it isn’t a full blown out war before I have chance to dry or am I running out of the shower still wet, failed attempt at putting the towel around because that was a bang I heard, an ouch, only mum’s touch will help calm.

Even writing this, now, for me it’s a release, a spark of emotion to capture, while at the same time I’m watching the clock get later and later and knowing I’m losing precious minutes of sleep before I’m woken again for the next feed or the next cuddle and reset. Sleeping in past 6am is certainly not on my horizon. At least not until I have teenagers who refuse to wake up until midday. 

I didn’t even notice before I became mum how I’d look after myself, give myself those me moments when needed, it was natural, it’s only now as I think back I see I was taking care of me when I felt like I needed it. 

My babies need me, a friend, a mum friend, family, I’ll jump, what can I do? What do you need? How can I help? I’m so on top of helping others, sometimes before it’s voiced they need it, instinctively, yet my own body, mind, emotions could be screaming that they need something too and I don’t hear it. How do we change the hardwiring back to looking after ourselves too? Adding us back to the list of priorities once these tiny ones come along? We might try here and there but how do we keep it going? How do we stop falling back into the trap of, not right now I can wait I’m needed. What happens when I’m needed by me?

Currently I try to squeeze 5 minutes in through the day if I’m able to get them to both nap at the same time. That’s a big IF. Just a warm drink. That is after I have ran around the house frantically tidying up, washing up, sorting through dirty and clean clothes so if I do sit down I don’t feel so guilty for it. Instinctively I think bed times are getting harder for my 2 year old as he might be getting ready to drop his one and only nap of the day. I find that idea hard, I really will have no time then, part of me only persists now because I know it’s my only chance to attempt ‘me time’. It certainly isn’t evenings anymore as I fight with him to fall asleep while the baby sits smiling at me, wide awake, joining in the mutinies with her brother of no bedtime before 9pm. 

Another example of how we will sacrifice ourselves for the best of our children. I will turn it into a positive, if I can get the baby down for a good nap that means we get a little one on one time back. Something we haven’t had a lot of, I try everyday, even if it’s just 10 minutes of dedicated, no devices, no phones, no chores, just free play. It would be nice to get that time back for us, he was my whole focus for 2 years, I miss our dedicated alone time so he must too. 

As for myself I need to learn to speak out more. Stop carrying all the parenting on my own. I’m lucky that I have support when needed, not everyone does, this is where I need to use my voice. You’re free for 15 minutes? I’m going to take this opportunity for an uninterrupted shower. Tonight you can do bath time and I’m going to sit here for 20 minutes and finish a drink hot and just not ‘mum’. I don’t know how long it will last, how much time I will get back, but if I can take small steps here and there, I can start rebuilding some of my own enjoyments into day to day. I know this phase won’t last forever, I don’t want to look back and wish I’d been involved more or missed out, but I also know I can’t keep going at this pace until then before I take some time for me or there will be nothing left of me to give to them and that will be the biggest regret of all. 

I can still adore my children, count down to bedtime and then miss them once they’re asleep. That’s the sign of a mum isn’t it? They drive you crazy yet you miss the madness when they’re not climbing around your feet. 

I live in the UK, and am a 30-year-old stay-at-home mum of 2. I live with my husband of 10 years, my 2-year-old son and my 9-week-old baby girl. I became a stay-at-home mum after my maternity with my son due to covid but that was the best blessing as I get to spend every day raising my beautiful babies and watching them wonder at the world. My days are currently spent learning how to juggle an ever-inquisitive toddler and a newborn.