The 3 Myths About Grief by Mia Roldan LCSW, LCDC
There are many perceived myths surrounding grief, and you’ll get a different answer depending on who you ask. In my personal and professional experience, the myths I have encountered center around a disregard for human resiliency and perseverance. There are 3 myths about grief that come from an antiquated, and thankfully evolving, viewpoint from Western medicine that death is an institutional defeat.
1.Grief is not a linear process.
The 5 stages of grief, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, were created by Swiss psychiatrist Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her groundbreaking 1969 book “On Death & Dying”. In her 20s while volunteering for World War II relief efforts, Dr. Ross visited a concentration camp in Poland where she saw images of butterflies carved into the barracks by prisoners who were facing death.
This image stayed with her as she entered medical school in America. Twenty years later while working at the University of Chicago's Pritzker School of Medicine, Dr. Ross collaborated with four theological graduate students to research the concept of dying. Their revolutionary approach was to sit with and interview terminally ill patients directly, and these conversations became the basis for her book. “On Death & Dying” created a cultural shift on how dying patients were treated, and it provided the foundation for modern hospice and palliative care.
Over time our society adopted Dr. Ross’ 5 stages of grief as a prescriptive timeline for how anyone experiencing a loss of any type would process their feelings and be able to move on. Dr. Ross’ book shared her observation of the fluctuating and non-linear emotional reactions of individuals who were actively dying. If you believe your grief will go through different stages just remember that Dr. Ross’ model was never meant as an instruction for bereavement.
2. Shame does not belong with grief.
Shame is a reactive emotion that stems from feeling like either we’ve done something wrong or that someone close to you acted in a humiliating or foolish manner. The feeling causes you to be truly stuck because there’s no undoing an act once it’s completed, and you’re left with a never ending cycle of what if questions.
We feel shame around how we react to someone’s death or divorce, or shame in the pace and intensity of our grief, or shame in the manner in which someone died, or shame towards the kind of person someone is who experienced a loss. Whatever the shame is you’re feeling, all it’s doing is fueling the concept that you must logically find a reason to understand the loss and get a sensible explanation. Sometimes with loss we’ll never get the answers, and sometimes there are no answers.
The antidote for shame is self-compassion. Ask yourself, how does this feeling of shame serve me right now? It will quickly become clear that it does not, and a better question to ask yourself is, what do you need right now?
3. Grief will end.
Loss is a very natural and normal part of the human experience. The feelings around loss, especially grief, will fluctuate in intensity, duration and frequency the farther away you get from the event, but they will remain with you and can be recalled at any point. This premise applies as well to any time you’ve felt great joy, excitement, or love.
I can immediately call to mind the feelings of peace and happiness I felt holding my son as a baby while he slept on my chest in the hospital. The work is to normalize the retrieving of these feelings and to welcome them into our life. Emotions communicate how we comprehend the world around you, and they bring you information about how crucial certain people and memories are to you.
Mia Roldan LCSW, LCDC is a clinical therapist, a thought leader, a sought after speaker, and an author based in Austin, TX. Her expertise in all topics related to grief and loss have helped countless people for 30 years find healing through acceptance, belonging, and resiliency. For more information visit www.miaroldan.com.