Your Guide to Setting Boundaries With Family Members During the Holidays by Mia Barnes

You might be among the many mothers who’ve made holiday plans with family members. If you struggle to feel comfortable around them, boundaries may help. Learn how to set them to protect your well-being and potentially reshape turbulent relationships with loved ones.

1. Reflect on What Makes You Uncomfortable
Think about what makes you feel on edge around your family members. They might talk about specific topics or bring up uncomfortable memories. They may also engage in relationship patterns that created a history of complex interpersonal trauma during your childhood. If you have a history of complex interpersonal trauma, you could experience numbness or intense emotions like shame around your family.

Write down one or two specific things they do that make you uncomfortable. If you know how your anxiety, depression or other adverse mental health symptoms appear, you’ll understand when boundaries are necessary.

2. Choose Your Priorities
You should also consider what you want from your holiday experience. Which behaviors are you willing to let slide, and which require self-protective boundaries?

Confronting challenging family members about numerous behaviors may only cause stressful arguments. If you create response strategies that help you reach one specific goal — like avoiding one particular topic during an upcoming dinner — you may have more success because your purpose will be clear.

3. Have Self-Care Resources Ready
Creating and setting boundaries is challenging for many reasons. The practice is especially difficult if you’ve spent a lifetime getting punished for saying “no” to family members. If they end up treating you badly for enforcing your limits, you’ll want to have self-care resources ready.

There are numerous ways to gain inner peace, like getting creative with a coloring book or taking a walk. Think about what you gravitate toward when you’re upset or uncomfortable. You could also contact a therapist to schedule a session right after your family holiday activities, if you think talking to an unbiased expert could help.

4. Prepare the Wording You’ll Use
When family confrontations happen, you might instinctively freeze or lash out. Responding with self-protection will feel new, so you impulsively react the way you’ve been doing for years. Consider how you’ll enforce your boundary by practicing the phrasing at home. You'll know what to say when the moment arrives, so you’ll feel less anxiety about getting the words out.

5. Expect to Enforce Your Boundaries
Family communication is often better with compassion and clarity, but nothing guarantees a positive response. You may or may not get the outcome you want, so prepare to explain your limits and understand your family member's perspectives. If they’re willing to work with you by changing their behavior, your boundary worked.

When someone holds fast to the behaviors or words that made you uncomfortable, you might need to leave the holiday gathering. Boundaries don’t work without consequences. If your loved ones see that you don’t respect your own wishes, they likely won’t either.

Support Yourself With Boundaries
Creating and setting boundaries is difficult, especially when it’s with family members during an emotionally charged holiday season. Take some time to think about what you want and how you’ll phrase your limits. If you have self-care resources ready to take care of yourself after the gathering, you may have a better experience than during previous holidays.

Mia Barnes is a professional freelance writer specializing in postpartum wellness and practical family health advice. She has over 5 years of experience working as Body+Mind magazine's Editor-in-Chief. You can follow Mia and Body+Mind on X and Instagram @bodymindmag.