Transcending Trauma – Post Traumatic Growth After Baby Loss by Annabel Bower
The loss of a baby at any stage of pregnancy or infancy is a deeply distressing and heartbreaking ordeal. It’s no wonder that 1 in 6 women who lose a baby during pregnancy experience long-term symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I remember vividly when my son Miles was stillborn being gripped with fear and overwhelmed by a darkness which cloaked every fibre of my being. I found some comfort in knowing that my response was not unusual, that when grief and trauma collide head on, its normal feel completely broken by its intensity.
As I began to emerge from the initially crushing weight of my grief and started making my way along the lifelong path that grief is, I started to reassess my life and look at it from an entirely new perspective. I’d never been one to take things for granted but I now felt a deeper appreciation for my life and the many incredible parts of it; the pure miracle of my living children, the safety of my home, the connection with friends who’d shown me utter kindness when I was at my lowest. At first, I was conflicted by these feelings of contentment and gratitude – the worst imaginable thing had happened, shouldn’t life forever be harder, sadder? Was it wrong to find joy and light amidst heartache and sorrow?
When I came across the term post traumatic growth (PTG) I saw that I wasn’t the only person to feel their identity shift dramatically after trauma. I’d read a lot about PTSD and in the early days so much of this resonated, but as the fog began to lift, I felt more aligned with what I’d learnt about PTG. As any loss mother will tell you, no positive change or ‘silver lining’ will ever make up for the loss of her child, or fill the missing piece in her heart, but I began thinking that since this tragedy had happened, and there was nothing I could ever do to bring Miles back, the least I could do was gratefully accept whatever positive changes came my way and embrace them wholeheartedly.
Professor Richard G Tedeschi, a bereavement and trauma specialist recently published an article in the Harvard Business Review about PTG and its 5 fundamental domains – spiritual development, new possibilities, personal strength, close relationships and a greater appreciation for life. I was fascinated by his research and it helped to assuage my guilt about finding something positive to focus on and immerse myself in spiritually and emotionally after losing Miles. One distinctive positive I’d experienced immediately were the new friendships I’d forged with other loss mothers on Instagram. Never before had I divulged my innermost sorrow to complete strangers, but their solidarity and shared experience carried me through.
I now saw my life divided into 2 distinctive parts, before and after Miles. I’d expected the ‘after Miles me’ to be a shadow of my old self, a broken, depressed version and for some time I was, but eventually something shifted, in grieving I'd learnt so much about myself, what drove me, what inspired me and what I wanted my life to be about. Focusing on moving forward whilst proactively honouring my grief helped me transcend the trauma and grow in the face of adversity. If you’d told me this was possible in the days and weeks after losing Miles, I’d have thought you were crazy or that you simply had no understanding of just how raw and all-consuming my sorrow was. I’d have thought that no good, could or ever should come out of loss but I learnt that the two concepts are not mutually exclusive, incredible things can blossom out of darkness.
After losing Miles, I felt a burning desire to help others navigate their way through grief and channelled my energy into writing a book, Miles Apart- a heartfelt survival guide for life after baby loss. Never before had I possessed the confidence to pour my most personal unfiltered feelings out onto the page for the world to read. Loss had shown me that I was stronger than I thought. This enabled me to be vulnerable and open about my pain without fear of being perceived as dramatic or overly sensitive. Hitting the lowest point in my life had somehow given me the confidence to unashamedly be me, what others thought no longer mattered.
That’s not to say that the path has been linear or an easy one to walk at times. During the writing and editing process I was often crippled with self-doubt and on many occasions overwhelmed by my own grief which would resurface with its original intensity. What inspired me to keep writing was my belief that if I’d survived the loss of my child, I could survive anything. Tedeschi writes, ‘We’ve learned that negative experiences can spur positive change, including a recognition of personal strength, the exploration of new possibilities, improved relationships, a greater appreciation for life, and spiritual growth’.
Life after loss is a rollercoaster and it takes time, patience, and enormous amounts of self-compassion to begin to heal. Finding greater appreciation for certain parts of life, a positive shift in self-perception or in the discovery of new possibilities will certainly not erase the pain but may for some make it a tiny bit easier to bear. It’s not a case of being one or the other, some days you may feel energised by how far you’ve come and the next devastated by what has happened which is why I think it’s so important to talk about and embrace all responses to trauma.
I will always be sad about Miles, but simultaneously grateful that he came into my life as he has taught me so much. I would’ve done anything to change his fate but since he couldn’t stay, I will live with him in my heart and make sure that his legacy is one of kindness and love. I will continue to share his story to give others hope, that they too will survive and in time find joy again.
Annabel Bower is an Australian author, food stylist and founder of the Miles Apart Foundation, a not-for-profit dedicated to raising awareness of the emotional impact of baby loss. She’s also the very proud mother of five, four who she will watch grow and one who was born still. Her book, Miles Apart – A heartfelt guide to surviving miscarriage, stillbirth and baby loss has just been released www.milesapart.online
Annabel can be found on Instagram @miles__apart and for all thing’s food @foodbyannabel