Taking Care of You as a New Mama to Two by Natalie Diaz and Kim West
OK, hear us out. You need to pay attention to yourself. We want to repeat this over and over again because we can’t stress enough the importance of taking care of YOU!
Once your little ones arrive, you may understand why we are making a point of emphasizing self-care. Like many parents or caregivers of newborns, you will probably be exhausted. And there’s a lot more going on as well. Here’s a look at what may be happening with you, mama, in the first month after your twinnies arrive.
Parent Brain Development
Yes—“baby brain” is a real thing! Birth mothers temporarily lose the ability to multitask, become hyper focused, and develop a higher sensitivity around sight and touch, according to Dr. Oscar Serrallach, an expert in the field of postnatal health and author of The Postnatal Depletion Cure. Their brains instinctively slow down to help them focus on their baby’s subtle cues and communications.
Brain changes aren’t just for birth moms, either. All caregivers exhibit them as they care for babies. When humans transition into the role of parent, major structural and functional changes occur in their brains that help them focus on caring for their infants—regardless of whether they carried and gave birth to the child. Nannies and childcare workers experience these brain changes, too (though the extent of this change depends on the amount of time they spend caring for babies). Researchers speculate that this is an evolutionary adaptive behavior that has supported the success of humans over many thousands of years. If an infant’s birth mother were to die, the baby would need another caregiver or caregiver network to be able to step in.
As your twins’ parent, be gentle with yourself as you find yourself becoming more sensitive and focused. For birth mothers, these changes can last up to two years. And while these brain changes can feel disconcerting, they are beneficial for helping you recognize and meet your babies’ needs.
Your Sleep and Well-Being
Sleep when the babies sleep? Ha!
As a new parent of twins, you get a ton of advice thrown at you left and right. Many of the wise folks giving you said advice will be singleton parents. One of the most singleton-y pieces of advice folks give is “sleep when the babies sleep.” For those of you who have twins, and especially those who are breastfeeding, you’ll know that it always feels like there is a baby awake. Following that line of thinking, are you supposed to do laundry when the baby does laundry? Empty the dishwasher when the baby empties the dishwasher? Uh. “Sleep when the baby sleeps” drives me nuts. We know folks mean well, but we have to be realistic. Sleep when your babies sleep is not it.
So, when do you sleep? Basically, you sleep when you are off duty. When is that? When your partner is on duty or when folks come over that you trust to watch the kiddos while you close your eyes for a bit.
I’d love it if you aimed for several chunks of two-hour sleep if you are breastfeeding, and a five-hour chunk, at least, if you are not, every night. While you’re establishing your breastfeeding schedule with your duo, you should get up when the babies have to eat, even if you just pump and go right back to sleep. But sleeping through a feeding, while not a great idea because it could mess with your supply, isn’t a deal-breaker. If you are utterly exhausted and you can’t function, you need to SLEEP! We can always fi x any lactation issues later. I need you to be on your game, and sleep is how that happens.
Sleep is one of the big reasons why twin families typically stay on a schedule. If your babies are on a feeding schedule, you can prepare for the help you need to put that schedule into action while also getting some rest.
Calming Yourself Calms Your Newborns
To help keep your kiddos regulated and calm, it’s helpful to keep an eye on your own stress level. Manage it so that you can stay regulated (or get yourself back to a regulated state). We can do this through meditation, yoga, and/or breathing exercises. The way we respond to our twins impacts them in both the moment and the future—because it influences the development currently occurring in their brain.
I’m a HUGE advocate of meditation. If you ever met me in person, you’d think I was the LAST person who could sit quietly, but it’s an amazing outlet for my stress and anxiety. Yeah, I don’t mind admitting it, I have had an anxiety issue for most of my life. But it wasn’t until after I had my twins that I finally sought help for it. Meditation is one of the biggest keys to my happiness. Once upon a time, I even spent months learning Transcendental Meditation (TM). I’m not suggesting that you do the same. But taking a moment for yourself, whatever form that takes, is a pretty important step that most new parents forget or dismiss.
Meditation comes in many shapes and forms. Some people sit quietly twice a day for twenty minutes while repeating a mantra in their heads (that’s TM), while others listen to a guided meditation with headphones from a free video they found online. There is no wrong or right way to meditate. The whole point is to take a moment and let your mind settle. Whether you are feeling calm or like you’re out of control, allow your brain to chill out at least once a day when possible. Letting your brain and body reconnect will help you think more clearly and more calmly.
Parenting twins is tough. I’m sure that’s not news! And we often get caught up in the whirlwind that is our life with new babies. If you don’t take a minute, you’re going to miss a lot. If you can give yourself an opportunity to regroup, refresh, and reconnect with you, your memory will be better, you’ll feel more level headed, and you’ll be able to enjoy more parts of your day. It doesn’t have to be literal meditation; it just has to be a moment when you close your eyes, catch your breath, and get ready for the next part of your day.
“What Is My Reality?”
I honestly hope when you read this you say, “Nat’s nuts! Of course I’m taking great care of myself.” If so, you’d be one of the few. Many new families that I’ve worked with over the last decade can tell me every detail about their twins’ poop but are paying little or no attention to themselves.
When I meet a new family for the first time, even virtually, I’ll ask the mom, “How are you doing?” She will typically reply, “We are doing good . . .” and start a mini TED Talk about what her newborn twins are up to. I’ll often interrupt her and say, “No, I asked how you are doing. How are you eating? How are you sleeping? What are you doing to help your healing process?” Depending on how many days it’s been since delivery, I’m often met with a long pause, sometimes tears, and then the truth. Sometimes moms and dads will tell me about their birth trauma, sometimes they will go into detail about how they are feeling emotionally. Sometimes they will openly cry and tell me how afraid they are.
As with so many other things, there is no right or wrong here when it comes to how you feel about all the changes you’re experiencing. Everyone heals from birth differently. Sometimes there are physical scars, and sometimes there are emotional ones from a disappointing birth experience. Don’t hold it in. You have to find someone you trust and let it all out to them, or it can build up and become a bigger issue in your mind. Talk to your partner about how you feel, both body and mind. Be honest. Talking to someone you trust and love is a great way to release some of your pain and anxiety. You can even give them a disclaimer before you start, like “I really need you to listen to me. I’m hurting and need to get this out.”
If there is one thing you take away from this book, please let it be the parts about self-care. I wish I could cast a spell on all of you that allowed you to know what I know. That YOU matter a lot when it comes to taking care of your children. You need to take care of YOU as much as you need to take care of THEM.
Focus on the things that make you happy. If you love breastfeeding, do it as much as you like. You won’t hear a negative word from me. If you hate breastfeeding, do it as little as you want. Again—you won’t hear a negative word from me. Take care of YOU. Sleep. Eat well. Drink plenty of water. Rest. And most importantly, recover.
Natalie Diaz, twin mom and founder of Twiniversity, and Kim West, MSW, aka The Sleep LadyⓇ, are the co-authors of The Newborn Twins Sleep Guide: The Nap and Nighttime Sanity Saver for Your Duo's First Five Months (BenBella Books, Inc.; March 2024). This article has been adapted from The Newborn Twins Sleep Guide. Connect with them on Instagram @twiniversity