Stop the Blame: Navigating Fussy Eating in a Supportive Family by Marie-France
As a mother, it can be heartbreaking to hear blame and criticism from loved ones about your child's eating habits. But, as Amy shares, "The other day my mother-in-law and my husband ganged up on me and it felt terrible. They said it is my fault if Harry won't eat any homemade dinners." Unfortunately, this type of blame and criticism is all too common for mothers. It can be hurtful and it does nothing to help Amy, her child, or the family unit as a whole. In this piece, we will explore the issue of mother blaming and provide ways for mothers like Amy to navigate fussy eating in a supportive family environment.
What is Mother Blaming? Remember when we blamed mothers for a child's autism? In the 1940's Austrian physician Leo Kanner proposed that ASD was a condition caused by maternal warmth or lack thereof. This theory called mums the 'refrigerator mothers'...Chilling isn't it? Writing this makes me tearful. How awful.
Science disproved this shocking theory, ASD is due to a combination of genetic and environmental factors. It is not caused by the actions or emotions of mums. Yet studies after studies have shown that women continue to experience stigma and blame themselves for their child's condition. A 2019 study highlighted how medical professionals can perpetuate a notion of maternal responsibility, making some families feel like it is their fault for causing their child's autism.
We expect mothers to take the primary responsibility for their child’s health, mental health, and behaviour. Mothers receive more criticism and blame than fathers do when it comes to child-rearing. Child struggles at school, child is challenging, child has low self-esteem or is anxious, child is sick, child is a fussy eater, it is mum's fault!
Who does Mother Blaming? My girlfriends and I often joked about how we had to bring our partners with us to school if we wanted to be taken seriously. The other alternative was to be perceived as hysterics, in our opinion. As professionals and members of society we all participate in mother blaming and the worst thing? As women we blame other mothers. If it starts with us, it needs to end with us. "Did you see what she puts in her lunch box?" "What's in your trolley? "Is this what you feed the kids? We can do better.
Stop Blaming Fussy Eating on You
I once read that children whose mothers had fatter hips were smarter because this meant there were more omega 3's available to the child's development during pregnancy! I believed this, even though I am a dietitian. It stayed with me for years! I have small hips, so was any hiccup at school related to me? It turns out that my children are perfectly fine. They have a growth mindset, enjoy learning and have just finished university.
Most children (up to 75 percent) will go through a normal stage of pickiness, which is a developmental stage. And it may suffice to tell grandma, your husband and yourself to let go and this is all it is.
In other cases, some children will be more sensitive to the sensory quality of food, for example, they will be put off by the smell, or the texture. They may also have a more reactive temperament, be prone to being fearful. There is a plethora of reasons why a child may be a fussy eater. With patience, exposure and food skills, children will do better and overcome their feeding difficulties.
When Amy's mother-in-law complains about her grandchild's fussy eating, Amy can nip it in the bud. Ideally we would like her partner to be supportive of her. Here's what Amy could do:
Deflect with humour, but still name the beast:
In some cases it is necessary to name what other people are doing and how it is affecting you. You can deflect with humour but still name it or say how it makes you feel. Use I statements.
"I heard that blaming mothers is the new black, so I will make sure to wear it with pride"
"I hear your concern, but I already have a degree in Blaming Myself, so I am super qualified".
"I understand that you want to help, and I hear your concern. Still I think it's important to trust my judgement as a mother. "
"I hear your concern about my child's behaviour, but I am confident in my parenting abilities and don't need any additional blame."
"I feel blamed when you make comments about my child's behaviour and it makes me feel guilty and unsupported."
"I've noticed that sometimes when we talk about my parenting, you both tend to blame me for my child's behaviour. I want to remind you that parenting is a shared responsibility. Mother blaming is a real issue in society, have you thought about that or experienced it yourself?
Focus on Progress not on the Fussy Eating Problem
Consider that it takes a village to raise a confident eater. You can learn to parent your fussy eater and teach your mother-in-law and your husband to do so:
use the Division of Responsibility and remove all pressure when feeding,
give your child's opportunities to become comfortable around all foods you like, by practising bench or shop exposure.
Think long term, you are raising somebody to be an adult, can they feed themselves? Can they socialise around food?
involve your mother-in-law and husband to help you with specific tasks or activities related to food: such as cooking with your child, shopping, gardening.
Seek professional help if your child's fussy eating concerns you.
Mother blaming is a prevalent issue in society where mothers are often held responsible for their child's health, behaviour and development. This can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy for mothers. It's important to raise awareness of this issue and to support each other as mothers. When it comes to fussy eating, mothers need support from their partners and families. Patience, a positive feeding environment and exposure to different foods can help children overcome feeding difficulties. However, if parents feel overwhelmed, it's important to seek help from professionals. You can chat with Marie-France here.
Marie-France, a Dietitian-Nutritionist from France, is the founder of Fussy Eater Solutions. She supports families and their fussy eaters with a holistic approach, where parents are heard and children are understood to develop a plan of action to overcome fussy eating. Marie-France is a frequent contributor to various online publications and shares her insights on the pleasure of eating through podcasts. On Instagram, she runs @fussyeatersolutions on Instagram, Facebook, and a #sensorykitchen, which highlights what's wrong with food in the eyes of a fussy eater.
www.fussyeater.com.au
"Perceived parental blame, self-esteem, and depression in mothers and fathers of children with behaviour problems" by Jennifer Harman, et al. published in the "Journal of Family Psychology" (2006)
"Mothers’ perceptions of blame for children’s behaviour: links with stress and relationship satisfaction" by M.A. Grandjean, et al. published in the "Journal of Social and Personal Relationships" (2008)
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