Parenting By Design: How Human Design Can Help You Become A More Confident, Relaxed Parent by Alexandra Cole
As parents and caregivers, we often feel pressure to mould our children into something. This may be controversial, but I don’t believe our job is to “shape” these little beings into anything or anyone. I believe our job is to create a safe environment for our kids to explore, experiment and ultimately learn to trust themselves. In fact, most of the time, the best thing we can do for them is to get out of their way.
If someone would have given me this advice 5 years ago, I would have felt some resistance. I would have argued that giving your child that much freedom could – and would most likely – backfire. But discovering Human Design, and having the opportunity to apply Human Design within the context of parenting, has me singing a different tune. Human Design has made me a more confident, relaxed parent, and I’m so excited to share this knowledge with you.
What is Human Design?
Human Design is a self awareness tool that draws on ancient and modern modalities including astrology, the Chinese i-Ching, the Kabbalah, and the Chakra System. The system is grounded in energetics and your “design” is essentially determined by the energies that were present in the universe the moment you were born. Think of your Human Design chart as a map to your own personal energetic algorithm: it’s a blueprint for how your energy is designed to move, interact with the world around it, and express itself in the most optimal and authentic way.
Human Design is also referred to as “the science of differentiation”. The whole premise of this system is that we are all meant to be UNIQUE and distinct from one another. Unfortunately, we live in a world that has become increasingly homogenized and, as a result, there’s a lot of pressure to conform (we call this pressure “conditioning” in Human Design). This pressure starts from the moment you’re born, based on the family you grow up in, the school you go to, the culture you’re a part of, etc. But the truth is that we’re not all designed to eat, sleep, play, communicate, learn, connect or parent in the same way.
For many of us, the more we conform – and the more we ignore the little voice inside our hearts, heads or guts – the more miserable and frustrated we become.
When you learn to live in alignment with your design (aka, use your energy in the way that is most authentic to YOU), you will experience a sense of effortless ease and fulfillment that is unlike anything else. Of course, you’ll still encounter challenges…but these challenges feel more purposeful and rewarding somehow.
So, if you want to set your child up for success, encouraging them to live as the most authentic version of them – even if it goes against the “norm” – is the greatest gift you can give.
So how can it support you as a parent or caregiver?
Beyond informing your own authentic parenting style, Human Design offers invaluable insight into the way your child is designed to thrive. Babies are the most unfiltered, raw versions of themselves. They already know, instinctively, how to eat, sleep and play in the way that is most supportive for them. But the older they become, the more conditioning they’re exposed to–often leading them to abandon those instincts in favor of what is “expected”, “right” or “normal”.
As conscious parents, we may be aware of this in theory – and we have the best intentions to give our child the space to get to know themselves and their own preferences. In practice, however, this is easier said than done. From the moment they’re born, we too are bombarded with advice about how to feed, sleep, educate and communicate with our kids. And we cling to this advice because, frankly, parenthood is one big terrifying unknown–and the thought that someone knows exactly what is going to work for your child is extremely comforting.
I remember desperately forcing my son to breastfeed at specific time intervals, because the feeding schedule my friend recommended told me to do so. He would refuse to eat in the mornings (the “prime feeding hours”, according to the schedule) and in my sleep-deprived haze, I believed it was a reflection of my parenting abilities. After all, how was I supposed to know my son’s digestion doesn’t fully ramp up until the afternoon/evening?!
This is where Human Design comes in. (Turns out, my son is designed to consume most of his calories later in the day and once the sun goes down.) Imagine if you had a blueprint to the most authentic, energized version of your child? What if you knew exactly how they’re designed to eat, sleep, play, communicate, and make decisions. Instead of following someone else’s advice, you could follow your child’s lead instead.
Where to Start
If you’re new to Human Design, the first step is to look up your child’s free chart here. You’ll need their exact birth time, date, and place. The chart will look excessively complicated at first glance, but that’s because humans are complex. To avoid getting overwhelmed, here are a few insights to get you started based on the information included in the “chart properties” section of your child’s chart.
Your Child’s Energy Type
The “Energy Type” represents the energetic gifts your child is designed to contribute to the world and the way they’re designed to invest their energy in order to get the greatest return on that investment.
Generator – Your child is designed to bring infectious energy and excitement to the people and activities that bring them joy. They are natural do-ers, but they also feel a lot of pressure to live up to other people’s expectations. The best thing you can do for them is encourage them to trust their gut and follow their excitement, even if it doesn’t “make sense” or align with what others want them to do.
ManGen – Your child is designed to break the mold and bring fresh energy to a variety of people and activities. They may feel pressure to pick ONE path, especially if they think it’s what will make you happiest. The best thing you can do for them is allow them to change their mind, think outside of the box and experience variety in life.
Projector – Your child is designed to guide and innovate by sharing their unique perspective and contributing their special gifts. They may not have the same stamina as a Generator or ManGen child and may need more downtime in between activities. The best thing you can do for them is invite them to share what they see and avoid measuring their success based on the amount they “do”.
Manifestor – Your child is designed to be a changemaker. They’re here to have a big impact, even though their energy may feel erratic at times. They may trigger you and push you or others out of your comfort zone. The best thing you can do for them is give them lots of freedom and avoid pressuring them to fit in.
Reflector – Your child is designed to be a truth teller. They are wise beyond their years and particularly sensitive. They will have many different personalities and be quite adaptable to the environment they’re in or people they’re surrounded by. The best thing you can do for them is pay attention to the spaces and the people they feel most comfortable around, and curate their environment accordingly.
Your Child’s Authority
The “Authority” represents your child’s inner compass and describes how they’re designed to make the best decisions.
Sacral – Your child is designed to be guided by their gut. One helpful way to support them is by asking them “yes or no” questions and always giving them options: “Would you prefer to brush your teeth before or after we read a book?”, “Would you like pancakes or cereal?”, etc. Encourage them to make decisions based on what they are most excited about instead of what will make others happiest.
Emotional – Your child is designed to be guided by their emotions. Give them permission to feel big feelings, instead of being ashamed or afraid of them. One helpful way to support them is encouraging them to take more time when making decisions instead of rushing into things. Sometimes their immediate emotional response is not representative of how they truly feel.
Splenic – Your child is designed to be guided by their intuition. One helpful way to support them is to ask them to check in with the little voice inside their head or heart. Allow them to be spontaneous and trust their first response to things.
Ego – Your child is designed to be guided by their heart. One helpful way to support them is by giving them permission to be a little selfish sometimes, because it’s important for their heart to be truly in something for it to be successful. It’s easy to feel shame about putting your own desires first, so be mindful about modeling the right behavior at home.
Self-projected – Your child is designed to be guided by their values. One helpful way to support them is inviting them to talk through their decisions out loud and acting as a sounding board. Sometimes it helps to reflect back to them what you’re hearing (without your own take on it or judgment) as they can’t always hear themselves clearly.
Mental – Your child is designed to be guided by their observations.One helpful way to support them is encouraging them to create a list of pros and cons to reflect on before making a decision. Allow them to research things on their own and ask them to explain “why” they think or believe certain things.
No Authority – Your child is designed to be guided by their environment. One helpful way to support them is to remind them that it’s OK to evolve and change based on the people they’re with or the spaces they’re in. Encourage them to take more time, preferably alone, before committing to things, because it’s easy for them to get influenced by opinions or feelings that aren’t their own.
The Energy Type and Authority are just the tip of the Human Design iceberg, but they’re the most important place to start. If you want to dive deeper into your child’s design, you can order a personalized Raised by Design report which provides a comprehensive overview of all the major chart properties as well as detailed tips and tactics for you to support them. If you’re struggling with food or diet specifically, I also encourage you to check out the mini-course Nourish by Design, which is a step-by-step guide to feeding your family in the most satisfying, nourishing way possible.
Keep in mind, Human Design is not a rulebook. It’s just a framework within which you and your child can experiment. In most cases, your child already knows exactly what they need to thrive. All they are looking for from you is permission. Permission to trust that little voice inside of them. Permission to do things in the way that feels best to them. Permission to become the fullest expression of who they are here to be.
Alexandra is a former corporate consultant turned Human Design coach. After a decade of helping Fortune 500s identify and articulate their “why”, she felt called to help individuals do the same. She has always felt torn between her practical, no-nonsense approach to life and her fascination with all things “Woo”–until she discovered Human Design, which she describes as the perfect blend between logic and magic. After becoming a mom, she launched Thriving by Design with her husband to provide parents with easy, actionable tools for addressing a myriad of pain points – from food and tantrums to finding purpose beyond parenting. Alexandra was born in London, raised in The Netherlands, educated at Princeton University, and is currently adulting in Santa Barbara, California.
@alexandrafcole
Thrivingbydesign.com