Navigating ADHD: 5 Strategies for Better Parenting by Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA
Every parent feels like they could do a better job, but those sometimes nonstop demands can feel even more guilt-inducing when you have ADHD. Parenting involves a lot of details and planning which can be harder to stay on top of when you’re distracted and forgetful. You probably have a lot of good ideas, but ADHD makes it harder to be consistent about applying those good ideas, creating more of those not again! moments.
Stay Calm and Focused
Like most things in life, parenting is a process of learning from experience and trying to respond a little better next time. Fortunately, these guiding principles will keep you connected to what matters most.
1. Get on Top of Your ADHD. It’s hard to bring your best to the many demands of parenting if your ADHD is still getting in the way of being the person that you would like to be. There are too many balls to juggle and it’s too disappointing when you drop one. So you may want to consider medication and maybe meeting with a therapist to both manage daily demands more effectively and also to handle those inevitable slips more resiliently. Plus, it models for your kids that it’s a good thing to get help when you need it.
2. Remember Your Strengths. It’s easy to feel jealous of the parents who seem to breeze through what you struggle most with, but every parent brings their own personality and mix of strengths and weaknesses to the job. When you feel like you’re falling short, remind yourself of what you do well and give yourself some real credit. Those strengths still count and are an important part of shaping your kids into who they will become. No one can be all things to their kids, so feel proud about what you do bring.
3. Give Yourself Some Compassion. You may feel like you drop the ball more than other parents and definitely more than you would like. ADHD makes consistency harder, so you may have more of those moments. It’s easy to get down on yourself, but remember that generally kids are resilient, and your success or failure will not be determined in this one moment. When you have a less than perfect moment, whether it’s losing your cool or picking them up late, resist the pull to beat yourself up.
Be honest that this isn’t how you want to be with your child, then let yourself feel the disappointment, frustration, or even guilt. Sit with that emotion for a few moments, but then remind yourself that no parent is perfect and that now what matters most is what you do next. This begins by giving yourself the compassion that you would give anyone else, so that you can then turn towards your child and address what happened.
4. Give Great Apologies. Be honest about what happened and take responsibility for what you did. You may explain why you reacted poorly, but reinforce that you could have responded better. Acknowledge the impact that your actions had on your child and show that you are genuinely sorry. If necessary, make some amends. The ability to give a real apology is an important skill and you’re showing your child how to do it well. This may be especially important if your child also has ADHD, since they may have more moments where their intentions and actions didn’t line up.
5. Focus on What Matters Most. It’s easy to get caught up in the parenting rat race, with too many activities and expectations for your child’s progress and your constant striving. But is it all worth it? Sometimes your kids just want your time and attention. Or maybe some help with homework or a playdate is more important than a clean kitchen. Find the other families who you feel comfortable around and who get you and your kids.
Parenting is a long process and we’re all learning every step of the way. There can be no stronger motivator for self-improvement than to be a better parent, so lean into that aspiration by committing yourself to work on what is hardest for you. This may involve doing a better job on certain things, like managing the morning routine more calmly, but it may also involve giving yourself a bit of grace when your good intentions don’t work out. Both examples are good for your kids to see.
Ari Tuckman, PsyD is a psychologist, international presenter, author, and thought leader on all aspects of ADHD, including its impact on relationships. He has given more than 800 presentations and podcast interviews, and is a sought-after contributor for national media. He has published five books. He challenges his clients, audiences, and readers to use proven strategies to bravely pursue what matters most to them. For more information visit www.DrAriTuckman.com.