Moving Through Parental Burnout by Alita Blanchard
“Breathe. Your kids need you. Not perfect. But you. With your worries. And your laughs. And your fails. And your try agains. Your love. Your showing up. That’s what matters. Breathe, sweet mum.” ~Rachel Martin, Finding Joy
Feel like you are overwhelmingly exhausted? You are NOT alone. Research by a UK children’s charity Action for Children has found more than 80% of parents are struggling with at least one symptom of burnout due to the COVID-19 pandemic.
WHAT IS BURNOUT
'Burnout' is said to be caused by a prolonged response to chronic and overwhelming parental stress. The first stage is overwhelming exhaustion. Parents of younger children tend to feel more physically exhausted. Parents of pre-teens and teens may experience more emotional exhaustion because of conflicts with children.
Most common signs include:
Disruption to sleep
Feeling isolated - a sense of being alone even with others around
Anxiety or Depression - symptoms might include low mood, feelings of hopelessness, low self-esteem, lack of energy and problems with sleep. Call your GP to discuss.
Short temper and snapping at your children and partner
Low tolerance for irritations
Brain fog - memory problems, lack of clarity
Heightened sensitivity to your emotions and environment - bright lights, sounds, crowds
Increased coping mechanisms - using food, drugs, or alcohol to cope.
According to UK research, more women are likely to be struggling with signs of parental burnout due to the pandemic than men.
THE IMPACT OF BURNOUT
Fear and worry about how to 'get everything done'
Parents distance themselves from children to preserve energy.
Loss of fulfillment in parenting.
Increase in neglect and aggression towards children.
Increased feelings of shame, distress and guilt.
Repeating cycle of punishment, shame, exhaustion & sensitivity.
When you have reached this point, it’s time to strip back to basics. Let go of ideals. Find support systems. Nurture yourself in micro moments of self compassion. And yes this all takes work and being somewhat vulnerable. But it's KEY to moving through parental burnout.
SUPPORT SYSTEMS ARE KEY
You MUST have some type of support system in parenting to help you through difficult times. Push through your fear and reach out for support.
Support systems might look like:
Therapists and counselling
Building new friendships that feel safe
Motherhood support groups
Listening partnerships
Emotionally supportive coaches
Parenting/ Mothers circles
MAKE SMALL CHANGES
Delegate tasks in the home to partner and kids
Have a family circle to discuss the key stress areas and problem solve together
Involve the kids in more daily chores and clean up - set expectations and start small. Expect some battles and upsets.
Cut back on activities and commitments
Major increase in time outdoors - walking, sitting, being
IMPROVE YOUR PARENTING KNOWLEDGE
If your parenting style is creating additional stress and you feel lost and alone:
Listen to podcasts that feel supportive
Parenting courses and workshops
Listen to meditations (I always recommend https://insighttimer.com/ meditations by Sarah Blondin, Tara Brach and Fleur Chambers)
SELF COMPASSION IS A MUST IN PARENTING
Many people carry the heavy weight of perfectionism. And where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking.
The antidote to shame is self compassion. Treating yourself like you would treat a good friend in need. When those we love fall short, we often make allowances, show grace, and offer support. As mothers, we don’t offer ourselves the same kindness. We tend to magnify our shortcomings. We beat ourselves up, set the expectations far too high, and get caught in the spiral of negative thinking.
Self-compassion encompasses three components:
Self-kindness eg. I am doing my best. There is no such thing as perfect.
Common humanity (knowing that you are not alone) eg. We all make mistakes. Everyone has tough days.
Mindfulness (being present in the moment without judgment). Eg. I am here right now. I am safe to be me. I am worthy of this time. 5 long exhales.
YOUR NEEDS MATTER
Finding a way to take care of yourself as a parent can be a challenge, but it is possible. You will need to push through feelings of guilt and “wrongness”.
Know this - your needs matter just as much as your childrens.
Prioritise REST time - kids on a show, you put your feet up. Cosy blanket. Hot drink. Notice the guilt and say to yourself “I am worthy of care and rest”
Yoga nidra - even 5-10 minutes can help your body to find rest
Sitting outside for 10 minutes a day
Saying “yes” to things that interest you
Saying “no” when you really want to
Eating nourishing food
Listening to music that brings joy
Going to bed early
Stretching
Watching comedy shows
Let go of high expectations imposed by others AND by yourself
Regular nervous system care practices
CONNECTION AND COMMUNITY IS VITAL
Build relationships with people who are on a similar path. Yes it can feel awkward and vulnerable - do it anyway.
Say hello to that mum at the park/cafe/playgroup/online. Get to know each other. Swap recipes and maybe one day, swap childcare.
Go to a Mothers Circle and practice being vulnerable - sharing stories, crying and laughing, creates a lightness within you, knowing you are not alone and often, connection to other women in supportive spaces.
Nurture friendships - we all need at least 1-2 people to deeply lean on. If you don’t have the person yet, start visioning them. Who do you want in your life?
Start a new hobby eg. art class, yoga, dance, ceramics.
Get to know your neighbours
What are you needing most right now in parenting?
What’s one step you can take towards getting that need met?
Alita Blanchard, The Aware Mama Based on the NSW Central Coast, Alita is a mother of 4 boys and is a Conscious Parent Coach, Rites of Passage and Women’s Circle facilitator. She provides regular mothers circles, workshops, events, listening time and parent coaching programs.
Instagram: @alitablanchard_parentcoach
MOTHERHOOD SUPPORT:
MOTHERGROW - Year long motherhood support journey with a small group of likeminded mothers. 12 module course, connection circles, coaching circles, masterclasses and listening partnerships. Starts 12 March 2023. https://www.theawaremama.com.au/mothergrow