Most Parents Need To Do Less by Dr Siggie
I’ve been counseling parents for decades, and one of the things I share that surprises them most is this: Most parents need to do less.
Usually, I’m met with a puzzled look. Less? Or even a little panic: If I do less, won’t everything fall apart? I completely understand that response. But here’s what I’ve learned after decades of working with families: Parenting often improves when you do less, not more. Not less love, presence, or care. Less over-parenting. Less trying to fix every moment, manage every emotion, or perfect every response.
Here are a few examples.
Less explaining can actually help your child listen more.
Parents often think, If I can just explain it better, they’ll understand and cooperate. But long explanations often unintentionally create more pushback, negotiation, and power struggles.
Remember, your explanation is based on your logic and rationale, while your child’s resistance is so often based on their in-the-moment feelings. It’s almost like you’re speaking two different languages. That’s why, instead of spending five minutes explaining why having more dessert is unhealthy or not a good idea, try: “That’s enough for tonight. I know you want more. No more tonight.”
Less reassurance leads to more confidence.
When our children are worried or anxious, our instinct is to reassure them: “You’re okay. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.” These words come from love, but repeated external reassurance can unintentionally teach children, I can’t feel safe unless someone else tells me I’m safe.
There is a critical transition every child needs to make from relying only on your reassurance to beginning to rely on themselves. That doesn’t mean withholding support. It means supporting them in a way that communicates, I believe you can handle this feeling.
When you gently step back, your child gets the opportunity to step up. Over time, their internal voice can shift from “Can I do this?” to “I can handle this.”
Less fixing leads to more resilience.
We fix because we want to protect our children. When they forget something, we bring it. When they struggle, we jump in. When they’re uncomfortable, we want to soothe and solve. But if we are always removing struggle, children lose opportunities to develop problem-solving, frustration tolerance, flexibility, and emotional resilience.
Less fixing doesn’t mean doing nothing. It means doing differently. Pause before jumping in. Allow your child to struggle with something they can handle while offering calm support without automatically providing the solution. It’s the vital shift from rescuing to guiding.
I could go on: Less accommodating → more flexibility. Less punishing → more cooperation. Less rewarding → more internal motivation. I’d even make a case for less validation. Validation is essential, but over-validating can quickly become accommodation when every feeling becomes something the whole family must stop and solve, children can begin to think that their feelings overpower everything. They need us to communicate: “You can feel this. I understand. And you can also keep going.”
Doing less does not mean permissive, uninvolved, or dismissive. It means becoming more intentional about when you step in and when you step back. This balance between doing too much and not enough is exactly what I explore in my new book, You Are the Parent: how to step out of over-parenting and into a calmer, more confident role as your child’s parent and leader.
Because sometimes, the most powerful way to help your child do more is for you to do a little less.
Dr. Siggie Cohen is a renowned Child Development Specialist and parenting expert, often referred to as the "Child Whisperer" for her unparalleled insight into children's emotional and behavioral worlds. For more than 35 years, she has worked with thousands of families, caregivers, and professionals as a preschool teacher, professor, and specialist. Dr. Cohen is the creator of the Emotional Behavioral Proficiency Method, a successful framework designed to help adults decode child behavior, navigate transitions, and manage trauma. She brings this signature approach to her debut book, You Are The Parent, offering a definitive, compassionate guide for navigating the messy, exhausting, and deeply meaningful realities of raising children with clarity and confidence.
Beyond her private practice and lectures throughout the Los Angeles area, Dr. Cohen supports a global community of over 2.3 million parents across social media who turn to her for grounded, practical guidance. She holds a master’s degree in education and psychology from Pepperdine University and earned her PhD from Northcentral University. Grounded by her own lived experience as a mother of three grown sons, Dr. Cohen currently lives in the Bay Area, where she maintains her private practice. For more information visit drsiggie.com and follow @dr.siggie on social media.
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Book: https://drsiggie.com/you-are-the-parent/ / https://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Parent-Overparenting-Discipline/dp/0063448645