Dessert Baby by Erika James
You had me at “dessert baby.”
My husband, Garrett, and I had been going back and forth on the decision to have a third child for several months. And over those months, I found myself eagerly checking in on new moms of three, and even googling, “Should I have a third child?” I needed something to tip the scale. Although it wasn’t immediate, this little phrase is something that resonated and continued to dawn on me. My neighbor told me her third baby was the “dessert baby.” With that, life was about to get a whole lot sweeter.
But let’s start at the beginning.
When we got the positive pregnancy test for our first daughter, Alba, we were elated, anxious, and naive. We were prepared in all the ways that you would expect to need to be prepared; we could check the boxes: married, house, dog, financial and job security. I followed the apps on my phone to check baby’s growth every day, Garrett bought me books with healthy recipes for baby (I was eating Drumstick ice cream cones every other night), I was showered with baby gifts, the nursery was set, I took maternity leave from my teaching job, and I nodded my head and smiled at every veteran Mama who told me to enjoy my sleep while I still could.
…maybe it was because Garrett and I were the first of our friends or siblings to have a baby, but I felt caught off guard by the “fourth trimester.” I just felt underprepared, emotionally, to endure the physical pain that my body was in, the hormones and lack of sleep, and this new life that seemed to change drastically in the blink of an eye. I guess I had never rationalized, and it’s probably my own fault, or maybe you can’t imagine until you’re in it, how difficult it would be to get out of the house, to go to the grocery store, to load or unload a car, all with a newborn. I knew I loved Alba more than words could suffice, and that she was my heart living outside of my body, but I remember, vividly, standing in the hallway one day, tears streaming down my face, as I wondered why I didn’t feel happy when everything I had ever dreamed and wished for was a reality.
At the time, Garrett was working some late nights for his club basketball program, and we were living in Corona, so commuting was an added challenge for both of us. I remember, in the first two weeks, she would cry in the middle of the night, and we couldn’t figure out why. He and I would get this pit in our stomachs when the sun was setting because we knew our nocturnal baby was brewing; we laugh about this now, thank goodness!
But that’s the point, it was a phase, a version of ourselves and our family that ultimately was gone too quickly.
And you realize it, daily, weekly, every few months, when you look at your child and think, where has time gone? But it doesn’t fully sink in, or process, until you look back at pictures and memories and grudgingly accept how much time has passed.
Alba will always and forever hold a special place in my heart because she made me a Mama. And I tell her this; she smiles. Alba has these angelic eyes and emotional soul that will bring you to your knees. And she’s wild. We call her and River our wildflowers. Her energy and untamed spirit have always been a part of her, and it’s a fire I remind myself not to ever diminish. And while being my first born meant that she had to be the one to break me down, she also built me up. With Alba, I became the strongest version of myself that I’ve ever known. I’ve been forced to reflect on who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in, and what matters. And that’s what our kids do to us, whether we’re ready or not.
The decision to have a second child was never in question for us. We both grew up with siblings and knew we would give that to Alba, even if it meant going through that tough newborn phase again. At least this time around, I felt like I knew exactly what I was getting into.
River slept through the night on her first few nights home from the hospital. I was an experienced mom now, and I felt it. This “fourth trimester” was definitely easier than the last, and it was probably a combination of factors, but here’s what I know for sure:
1. I had friends who were also having babies at the same time, and we had each other.
2. I was already in the thick of Mama life, what was one more?
3. I’m the type of person who would rather be told all of the horrors and challenges, so that I can be pleasantly surprised, rather than showing up for something I didn’t feel prepared for. And I was pleasantly surprised!
People like to say we live up to our names. So, I used to ponder about the type of river our River would be. Would she be wild rapids? Would she be peaceful and serene? She is everything. River is always changing, persistent, powerful, silent, roaring, and there’s a world of brilliance beneath her surface. She completed our family.
With each kid you have, you understand more and deeper, the importance of slowing down time because you’ve seen that although the days may be long, the years are far too short. But sometimes we forget that as our kids age, so do we. This new identity of mine, a Mama of two, was something I embraced. I no longer experienced FOMO; it was actually the opposite. I would see what others were doing, and be wonderfully grateful for exactly where I was with my family, my people. It took time, reflecting on and adapting who I was and who I wanted to be, for my girls and for myself. And there’s no destination or fixed mark we’re aiming for. These identities are constantly evolving, and we have to move with them or feel left behind.
But then, the dessert baby. I didn’t think I would ever get to a place where I would be ready for another child. Two just seemed right. Three seemed unimaginable. I could think up 100 reasons why NOT to have another child but only 1 or 2 reasons to go for it. And I had to brainstorm these reasons to convince my husband we didn’t need a third child. Here’s just a snapshot of these mental lists I would create.
CONS OF THREE KIDS
-Need a bigger car
-Need a bigger house
-$$$
-Lose the healthy body I worked hard to get back
-We would be outnumbered
-I wouldn’t have time for me
-We were finally out of bottles, diapers, etc.
-I finally felt like I had control and could enjoy my 30’s
PROS OF THREE KIDS
-A big family would be fun
The funny thing is, I am at a point in my life that I used to fantasize about. My girls are old enough to travel, road trip, camp, go to the movies, go to nice dinners, they’re easier to babysit, I just quit my job, and they’re both in school (River is part-time). I would actually have time to go to coffee shops, take an exercise class, or just run an easy errand. And what does my chaos-loving mind say? Maybe we could have one more.
I don’t know how I arrived in that headspace, but I believe it was probably multiple influences over time. I would follow these mamas on social media that I admired, who weren’t perfect, but they were gracefully beautiful and honest in accepting the chaos. I didn’t want to regret it later in life, and I hear so many veteran parents say they wish they would have had one more. I think it’s hard, in the thick of it, to imagine adding to the family. But my kids were more independent now, and it made me think.
To be honest, I didn’t ever fully jump on the yes boat. We left it to the universe. Universe said it was time!
And I can say, genuinely, as someone who formerly did not love being pregnant or being a newborn Mama, this third baby and pregnancy is the most I have ever appreciated the process. It just feels so right because I feel ready. I’m not the same woman today that I was when I had Alba, or River, or even that I was yesterday. This Mama is in a place where what truly matters in this life is at the forefront, and what I mean by that, is the family I envision in my future, this baby girl that I somehow already know, completely overshadows any doubts. I got to a place where my heart has taken the wheel, and I’m ready to relinquish some control. This third baby girl has already expanded my heart triple-fold, and we’re ready to meet her on this side when she’s ready.
The choice to have children is so personal, and there’s no one right answer for all. The decision for us to have a third child meant fully choosing, with our whole heart, that we want this baby and we want this for our family. It’s like dessert. You don’t need to have dessert, but it’s sweet, it’s the cherry on top, and some would say, it’s the best part.
I’m Erika James, and I am a soon-to-be mama of three girls. I resigned from my middle school Language Arts teaching job last June when my husband and I realized how quickly time was slipping through our fingers. Our girls were growing up before our eyes! But even when my priorities in life change, I still find my way back to writing. I started my Mama-ish blog to create a community of stories on motherhood, womanhood, and the road to finding, meeting, and loving our evolving identities.
Website: mama-ish.com
Instagram: @the_mamaish