Beyond Sleep by Noeline Marais
Beyond sleep, where sleep training misses the mark:
I remember as a new parent how every instinct in my body was to build a cozy nest for my baby, to tend to him when he cried and to feed him when he started to root or suckle. I wanted to keep him close and warm.
But every book, app and resource online told me to do the opposite:
Nest? NO! he is safest in a bare, cold crib. Not in your arms and definitely not in your bed.
Attend to every cry? You must be joking! Do you want a baby who can’t connect sleep cycles?!
No, mama, no. He should be feeding on a schedule, and a rather specific one at that. Not before sleep - or you’d create a rod for your own back - after.
You don’t want to create bad habits; you need to give your child the gift of learning to self sooth.
My goodness, the list goes on and on, and with every piece of advice I could feel myself get further and further removed from my innate knowledge of nurturing. When I faced a problem, I wouldn’t even take a second to think it through. Instead, I would check my favorite “gentle” sleep trainers Instagram page to find the solution.
Days that could have been filled with attunement, observation and calm freedom was replaced by anxiety-driven, fear induced obsession. Hours wasted patting away in a dark, temperature-controlled room, watching the clock instead of my baby. Stealing my joy of early motherhood.
When my baby didn’t perform like the books and the experts said he should, it was my fault. I held him too much, you see. I also responded to every cry. I didn’t teach him to link sleep cycles or put him down drowsy, but awake. I wasn’t “consistent” enough.
Very little of the information I read or heard from the sleep training industry really made much sense to me, but I was sleep deprived, desperate for some shut-eye and somehow convinced.
After 16months of torture, not to mention the fear and guilt I felt for effectively ruining my baby, I finally found resources that made absolute sense to me. Information about infant and childhood sleep that was rooted in attachment, biology, anthropology and neuro-science. An approach to sleep that encourages responsiveness, supports mothers in real ways and educates parents on setting realistic expectations of their infant’s sleep.
Something I didn’t realize back then, was that the infant sleep industry grosses upward of $300 million annually (in the USA alone). Through products promising more sleep and experts peddling non-responsive “solutions” to so-called infant sleep problems. Apparently, there’s very little money to be made by empowering parents to follow their intuition and do what generations of parents have done for millions of years.
Who profits when we tell mothers to hold their baby, instead of putting him in an expensive vibrating bassinet? Who profits when we educate and offer support to encourage breastfeeding, instead of pushing bottles, pumps and formula? Who profits when we realize that there are no magic solutions or silver bullets that will help our babies sleep longer stretches without us.
Who profits when we say to a mother: “YOU are enough. Your body is enough to nurture and nourish your baby. You can keep him close, in arms, in your bed (if you want to) safely. You don’t need fancy products or one-size-fits-all schedules and you definitely don’t need anyone who thinks they are more of an expert on your baby than you are.”?
It has become increasingly clear to me that the sleep training industry uses fear to sell. They create a problem that isn’t there and then sell the solution to vulnerable, sleep deprived parents who truly only want to do what they believe is best for their baby.
As a Pediatric sleep and wellbeing specialist, I have learned that it’s normal for babies to wake through the night, even in toddlerhood and beyond.
It’s normal and natural for them to need to be supported to sleep and back to sleep through the night.
“Bad habits” and sleep crutches aren’t a thing. If it works for your family, do it.
Young children don’t do separation. To them, proximity = survival.
Your baby did not read the same books you did, they only know what their instincts tell them.
All babies are unique, with unique sleep needs and temperaments. There are no one-size-fits-all routines or schedules or methods that can work for all babies.
Sleep training does not actually teach babies to sleep, it only teaches them to stop signaling to their caregivers.
I have learned that my job as a responsive parent doesn’t end when the sun goes down.
All I needed to know in the first year of motherhood was this: Your baby’s sleep is probably normal, and you are doing an amazing job. How many more hours would I have spent in the sunshine with my baby wrapped up against my body, on coffee dates with baby sleeping in a stroller, on adventures out getting ice cream that might make us 5 minutes late for bedtime? How much more rested would I be snuggled up next to my baby boy, instead of lying awake waiting for his call.
Mama, if you are in the thick of it now and reading this, I want you to know from the bottom of my heart: You are doing exactly what you are meant to be doing. You are the expert on your baby and before you know it, you will all experience more restful nights.
Noeline is a mother of two young boys and an internationally certified pediatric sleep and wellbeing specialist, helping parents find more sleep and rest without sleep training. She is passionate about helping families lean into their intuition and drown out the noise, to find solutions to sleep challenges in a holistic way, while also respecting and understanding childhood development.
Her work places the attachment relationship between parent and child at the forefront and is rooted in attachment theory, biology and neuroscience. She offers a variety of services to suit your needs, from one-on-one consultations to group coaching programs.
Find her on instagram: @root_of_restful
Website: https://rootrestful.wixsite.com/my-site
Or email her at root.restful@gmail.com