Family Meetings Side-Step a Slew of Problems: 4 Keys to Unleash the Magic by Gloria DeGaetano

Our children want us. And they want our guidance. They can get both of these from regular family meetings. Three decades of research shows that family meetings over time can dissolve discipline problems and enhance children’s and teens’ cooperation, along with their sense of competent autonomy. 

All ages attend while you adjust the content of the meetings, accordingly. With older kids and teens, just the words, “family meeting” can summon resistance, dread, and eye-rolls. But you can re-invent your family meeting to be the highlight of the week by keeping two important things in mind.

First, foster a sense of fun and anticipation so that the kids don’t see these as times they want to avoid because they will be called out for uncooperative behaviors, but rather as fun time for connecting with the people they love most in the world. Re-naming can help. A single mom going through a divorce referred to her family meetings as Family Meet-Ups which encouraged a sense of playfulness. 

One couple told the kids they looked forward to their Convo’s—to stress they were going to enjoy conversations with each other. Another called them Family Time-Outs, putting a positive spin on the disciplinary time-out strategy. Whatever you call your family meeting, convey a light-hearted, relaxed attitude about them.

Second, emphasize “the business of living together.” I love this term which I learned from my husband. I think it anchors everyone in the fact that we are all unique individuals living together. We have unique needs and we have common goals. So why not have a team approach and enjoy helping each other?

Divide your family meeting into four parts:

1.Appreciation. Begin by drawing out all the good that happened in your family’s life the past week. Show appreciation for each other. Celebrate everyone’s successes. Emphasis any cooperative behaviors from the kids, especially those that align with your family’s values. Tell them how their cooperation helped you and the family as a whole.

2.Organization and Planning. If the children have chores, frame the chores around how important they are to support “the business of living together,” making family life more easeful. Discuss what needs to be organized or planned for the upcoming week. Children and teens, both thrive with predictability. This would be a time to talk about an upcoming business trip where you will be gone and what you might do with the kids/family when you return. It is also a good time for the kids to note any upcoming school assignments; tests—anything that will require their preparation. Many families find a white board, digital or otherwise, very helpful. 

3.Improvement and Growth. Re-visit a time in the past week when your child didn’t do what was expected. Discuss your expectations clearly. Often the misbehaving takes place when we are out in public or very busy doing something and all we can say is “Stop That” because we are at the moment too distracted to do anything else. Taking time to discuss these difficult moments during a family meeting slows the process down enough for the child to learn what you really expect. Your child can role-play the expected behavior. Applaud the new qualities your child is learning and will have an opportunity to express in the coming week.

4.Fun Ending. End the meeting in a caring way to demonstrate love and family cohesion. You can raise energy by imagining what would be the best upcoming week ever and talk about what that would look like, feel like for each person. And, of course, conclude with a fun activity, such as dessert together, reading aloud something that will inspire everyone, or just talking and hanging out for a while, enjoying each other’s company without distractions.

Regular family meetings can become sources of connection and opportunity for both children and adults to grow together and to experience new levels of appreciation for each other.

Gloria DeGaetano, M.Ed., a visionary thought-leader, birthed parent coaching when forming the Parent Coaching Institute, now a global company offering Parent Coach Certification® for family professionals, coaching services for parents, and specialized programs for companies and organizations. Gloria, an acclaimed educator and author, is an innovator of family support for modern-day parents. Her unique system for helping parents successfully navigate the challenges of our tech-obsessed world is used by thousands of parents worldwide.