Inspiring Respect in Our Kids by Anne Leedom
There is a big question making the rounds among the parents these days. Should the kids refer to the parents' friends as "Mr. Jones" or "Mrs. Smith", rather than using their first names? I am a bit ruffled, having come from a home where it would have been unheard of to refer to one of my parent's friends by their first name. This was reserved for only the closest of family friends and relatives, and even they always had "Aunt" or "Uncle" in front of their name.
Respect is something that is earned and commanded. Unlike many of the other virtues we try to nurture in our kids that are mostly present from birth, respect is a bit more complicated. Respect is not only necessary when dealing well with others, but the virtue of self-respect is critical for kids to succeed and feel good about themselves and their choices throughout their lives. I could quote startling statistics regarding this increase in disrespect, however teachers, parents, and other kids can all tell us this is a growing crisis in our world today, resulting in increased violence and anti-social behavior to an alarming degree. Many parents don’t realize the level of disrespect the average child is subjected to daily.
According to Dr. Michele Borba, author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, Jossey Bass 2001, by the time a child reaches the age of seven, 98 percent of parents have verbally lashed out at them. One out of three called their kids belittling names and swore at them. Many of us can testify to this by what we hear every day.
Even if these statistics don’t apply to your own home, kids are affected by many adults throughout their day, and they all have tremendous power to influence a child. Observing parents and other adults interact is a strong factor when kids are forming their foundations and understandings of how important respect is and how it is used.
There are several factors that can have a big impact on kids and their ability to be respectful. The first one to consider is manners. Calling adults by their surnames, setting proper examples during sporting events and while driving, and how we talk to each other in our homes all can have a tremendous effect on a child’s concept of respect and how important it is.
Many of these seemingly trivial ideas have become almost outdated, but one should seriously consider the value of these ideas before casting them aside. It is easy to become unconscious about these behaviors. Try to keep track of how often your child is subjected to this kind of disrespect.
These factors and others all contribute to an alarming increase in disrespect in society. If we don’t step in and change the course, we will find living in a morally respectful culture unlikely. This process can be greatly impacted for the better by treating our kids as though they are the most important person in the world, in reference to the level of respect we give them. Show them unconditional love and listen with your whole attention. Let your kids feel your love through your hugs, your words and your encouragement. Spend time together interacting. Eliminate disrespect by immediately calling attention to it, and if need be, have behaviors in place to discourage it further. Dr. Borba recommends refusing to engage when kids are being disrespectful.
Fine kids for swearing. Use time outs for younger kids. Don’t allow kids to socialize with family if they can’t be respectful. Take away phone privileges or ground them. Younger kids need more immediate consequences in order to fully understand the impact of their behavior. Above all, the same rule applies. Reinforce your kids’ positive and respectful behavior and be clear about negating disrespect. Kids take their cues from all adults, so be sure you are setting the best possible standards.
See how your child is doing with these simple guidelines recommended by Dr. Borba, of behaviors usually displayed by kids who demonstrate respect.
Child uses a respectful tone of voice.
Child respects the privacy of others.
Doesn't gossip or speak unkindly of others.
Treats property with respect
Avoids disrespectful gestures around others.
Uses manners regularly.
Does not interrupt.
Avoids swearing and obscene gestures.
In the case of extreme disrespect, consider getting help to cope and modify behaviors.
Anne Leedom is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of www.parentingbookmark.com. She has been quoted in national print including Parents, Redbook and Nick Jr. Magazines and NPR. She contributes regularly to online publications and lives in Northern California with her two daughters. She is also the Founder of www.EmotePR.com, a premier PR agency promoting authors, coaches, speakers and others who utilize her services to expand their media platform.