5 Things No One Tells You About Becoming A New Mama by Samantha Goldsmith
Okay, before we get into this article, let me first give you a bit of background... I became a mother a little over two years ago. It was unexpected and I was in a relationship with a man I’d only been seeing for a few months. Children had not been on the cards for 5+ years, as we had just started a business and our lives were busy enough. PLUS neither myself or my now husband had even held a baby before I birthed one. I will never forget the moment our first daughter was born and the midwife had to show him how to hold her. Who knew newborns couldn’t even hold up their own head (I certainly didn’t).
Now I am partially to blame for the shock of bringing a newborn home with no education and no clue what to do. I had nine months to read the books, do my research and connect with other mothers, but none of my friends had children and I had the ‘I’ll just wing it’ attitude (Don’t be like Sam everyone). It was a MASSIVE learning curve, but we got the hang of it and we made it work, as all parents do.
However, after what felt like a supremely lonely and isolating time for me I could find no information to justify the way I was feeling. And just when I thought I was finally getting the hang of things and started feeling ‘normal’ again, here comes our second daughter and all of these emotions just came flooding back again.
Was it just me? I felt embarrassed, like maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a mum, but after finally getting some help and having friends finally have children around me I realized that my feelings were perfectly normal and what isn’t okay is that there are only a handful of mothers out there who are honest about their struggles. Perhaps it’s because it can feel embarrassing for new mothers to admit things to others (or themselves). Maybe it’s our human design to avoid these topics to ensure the survival of the human race and to keep people reproducing with the illusion that motherhood is nothing but glamourous. But I’m here to shout the hardships from the rooftops. Being a mother is amazing. Incredible. The biggest achievement of my life, but there are things I wish I had known about the challenges and emotions that come along with it. So here they are...
JUDGMENT
This is the one that was the most unexpected and it was the one that hit me hardest. No matter how you behave there is always someone who is judging. And what hurts even worse is that it may even come from your friends or family members.
I follow a feeding routine.
You should be feeding on demand! You’re starving your child.
I let my baby cry it out.
You are depriving your child of affection and are emotionally scaring them.
My baby doesn’t like to be put down.
You are spoiling him.
I’m going back to work after 4 months.
Why even have a baby if you’re going to leave her?
Honestly, it is heartbreaking. You might feel like you can’t get anything right.
Now I don’t have any qualification in anything to do with sleep training or baby behaviors, but I’m here to tell you that if the mother of the family is stressed out and running low on steam, then that is the energy that the rest of the household will be picking up. And that is not a very nice way to spend your days.
Now before I move onto the next topic, I just want to say that there is a big difference between judgment and actually getting help if you need it. If you are suffering and feel like you need more than your support network is giving, there is absolutely nothing embarrassing about asking for help. We all need it at some stage throughout our life. As hard as it is, try not to be controlled by your motherhood ego and reach out.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE TESTED
You’ve just had your first beautiful little baby. Everyone visits you at the hospital, your partner showers you with love and affection for this creation that you have grown and birthed into the world. You’re in this amazing newborn bubble of love. It’s when that bubble pops that things get a bit tricky.
Everything you do from this point out is a learning experience. Our motherhood instincts tell us that no one is more capable of knowing and nurturing our babies as we are, and in most cases that is true. When you’re in this exhausting season of your life it’s so easy to say ‘I’ll just do it’ instead of giving your partner the opportunity to learn and grow with you. This stubbornness isn’t doing anyone any favors. He’s frustrated you don’t trust him to take care of his own child, you become exhausted and feel like you have to do everything with no breaks. Combine these feelings with the enormous amount of postpartum hormones and you’re in for a wild few months.
Again, I’m no expert by any means but through experience, the best way to navigate through this time is to communicate. Talk until your face hurts. Get everything out.
YES YOU HAVE A BABY, BUT YOU WILL NEVER FEEL MORE ALONE IN YOUR LIFE
You’ve wanted to be a mother for so long. You’ve dreamed of the day you bring your sweet little blessing into the world. You love her so much. You feel like the luckiest person on earth to be able to have children. But somehow, you feel alone.
I get it. The long nights of breastfeeding, rocking her off to sleep, tiptoeing out of the room, terrified she will wake up again. Waving your partner off as he goes back to his full-time job like nothing has even changed for him. Not being able to catch up with friends because everyone is working or their children’s nap times don’t coincide with yours.
I have been there. Twice.
All I can say that this is not forever and in the grand scheme of things, this period of your life is such a short one, and even though the days are long and the nights are even longer, they aren’t forever and you’re doing a great job.
Just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there will be a day when your baby won’t sleep during the day and trust me, you’re going to miss it!
GUILT
OMG the guilt!
Over EVERYTHING!
You’re navigating through unknown territory when it comes to becoming a mother for the first time and it is effing terrifying! Who recognizes these thoughts:
“Am I doing this right?”
“Am I giving them enough?”
“Are they having too much screen time?”
“Am I setting them up for failure?”
“If I go back to work are they going to feel abandoned?” “They’re going to end up in jail, aren’t they?”
It’s torture! And apparently it never goes away, in fact, it gets worse as they keep growing. But there are ways to cope with it. My biggest tip is to listen to your own intuition (Mothers intuition is no joke kids). It’s that feeling you get in your gut that gives you the confidence to make your own choices. Choices that might not be right for Susan down the road, or cousin Cathy, but they are right for you and your own family.
OH YOU HAVE PLANS? BABIES OPERATE ON THEIR OWN SCHEDULE, NOT YOURS
Now I want to tell you a little story about my experience... My first daughter was 3.5 months old and was sleeping through the night. She loved being social and I had been struggling with the transition into motherhood, so we made the decision for me to return to part-time work. For my sanity.
Oh hello 4-month sleep regression (who even knew sleep regressions were a thing?!). She was getting up between 4 – 6 times every night! Almost every hour! I was exhausted. But I made a commitment to going back to work, so we just took every day as it came. Yes, some days I showed up to work with only one eye done with mascara, but I did it and we got through it.
The best advice I have been given in regards to having and raising children is that ‘Everything is a season.’ Rather than trying to fight this period in your life, surrender to it. Yes, your house is a mess, you look like a tip, you haven’t showered in days and you’ve been living off a diet of cupcakes, biscuits, and coffee. It isn’t forever, I promise. Children are developing so rapidly, and just as you think to yourself ‘I’m nailing this Mum gig,’ they’ll go through another developmental phase and you’ll feel like you’re back to square one. Even though some periods may seem like they have lingered on forever, in most cases the tough times pass in just a few days. It’s just the universes way of giving you a short break from the hard times before another one slaps you in the face.
Reading back through this, I realize I haven’t made motherhood sound too enticing... Like at all. But truth be told is that even with the challenges that come along with having a family, it is the most rewarding, wonderful, amazing journey I will ever go on. Give me all of the babies (2 isn’t enough for me, however, my husband will need more convincing... I’m not sure he wants to risk living with any more than 3 women) ... we’ll see Mr Collas. We’ll see.